Yin and Yang

This is an old post that I have revised.

The question What does the feminine and masculine energy mean to you? was posed to me. After pondering this question for a few days, I came up with an answer.

Recently I completed my job as a preschool teacher. The thoughts and feelings that have been surfacing since I took this action are densely packed in fear. This fear that I am experiencing is not new to me. It is a fear of not knowing what to do next. It is a fear of being lonely and bored. The busyness of my job has helped to keep this monster at bay. I awoke this morning panicked, consumed by this fear. I decided to address it with some free-form writing. It didn't take long before a voice emerged repeating the words, I don't want to. In the past, I have either listened to this voice and responded with procrastination, or silenced this voice by forcing myself to do what I had to do. This method of dealing with a part of me that doesn't want to has led me to negative self-judgment, jealously, despondency, depression, and pain. Today I wrote I don't want to over and over. I was tempted to move in and ask myself, Why, what caused this? Don't feel this way. However, I didn't. Instead, I responded with I hear you. It felt good to express what I had to say, and let it be. There was no need to judge, squelch, or fix.

The point of all of this is . . .

Feminine energy is acceptance, understanding, love and nurturing. It says: I love you just the way you are. I can see that you are hurt and suffering. Whatever you do is acceptable to me. It can be a nasty world out there. The feminine alone creates self-pity and despair, bringing understanding with no action. Masculine energy is judgment, action, and improvement. It says: You can do better than that. Don’t let your feelings stop you. You’re up to the task. If you want different results, you have to approach the problem differently. The masculine alone creates self-righteousness and force, calling for action without understanding.

I believe that bringing the understanding and love of the feminine energy to a person or situation is healing and comforting, sending messages such as I love you; I’m sorry that you’re hurt; You don’t have to go through this alone. It lays a foundation and creates an opening for the action and judgment of masculine energy to come in. The message the masculine energy brings is You have choice; How do you want to deal with this? What would support you to move forward? What do you need? What action can you take?

Listening to both the feminine and masculine sides of myself as I deal with an issue provides perfect balance and creates forward movement and growth.

I miss Jefferson

This Christmas all of my children were here except Jefferson. He is on his mission in Brazil. Jeff didn't get to be here, but we did get to talk to him. The following is something that I wrote about him the day he left for his mission.

I don't know what I think of motherhood. Sure it's wonderful - all of the cute things that they say and do. All of the fun things that I get to say and do because I have them. But what about the other part? What about all of the poopy diapers and talking back? Well, I guess I knew that that was a part of it too. The part that I'm having a tough time with is the broken heart that comes when one of my kids leave. Growing up and separating is natural and part of life, but it sure can hurt. Jefferson left for his mission in Brazil this week. I'm proud of him and I'm glad that he is going, but I'm really not enjoying feeling like my insides just got ripped out. If missing out on knowing him meant that I wouldn’t have to experience pain, I would definitely choose knowing him. But, if I had it my way, I’d skip the pain.

This week 6 of my 7 children, their spouses and children are all coming home for Christmas. I wrote some limericks to celebrate.


The family is here for the Holiday.
The Children and dogs need a place to stay.
My house is so small,
We will all have a ball.
Thank goodness next season’s a year a way.

The family is here for Christmas.
Expectations, traditions are quite a fuss.
If I do enough now,
They will ask me to bow.
Then finally they’ll call me “Your Highness.”

The Project

My assignment is to design a project for school that has heart and meaning for me.

As I thought about what I might do I had lots of ideas. I could do something to make the world a better place – maybe start a nonprofit or work with the homeless or orphans. But what really inspires me and excites me are things that seem selfish and self- centered: create a beautiful garden to love and work in; focus on my body and create “optimal health;” explore Los Angeles; complete a list of goals that I have wanted to tackle for years; establish myself as a healer, facilitating issue resolution and emotional healing.
Selfish, self-centered – is it ok for me to invest so much time exploring me and my life? Will God approve? Will I be acceptable to my family and church community?
Being obedient and doing my part is important to me, so I have devoted much of my life to doing what I was told and putting the needs of my family and church first. Giving up my needs somehow made me feel like a “good mother.” Taking the time to find out what makes me tick has been a luxury that I have been too “unselfish” to take. So now, doing a project with “me” as the focus is stepping out of my noble box.
Rather than spend my time worrying about the definition of selfish and self-centered, I can use my project to see what happens if I take a year and intentionally focus on myself.
This can be a time for me to find out what I want and how I am going to use my gifts and talents in the future. Would I be selfish on an airplane to put the oxygen mask on before I put it on my children? Maybe “selfish” and “self-centered” aren’t the evil words I have believed them to be. Maybe if I had taken the time years ago to ask myself what I thought and what I wanted, I wouldn’t feel so lost now.
Maybe being “self-centered” is the most unselfish thing I can do. Selfish or
not, I’m going for it!

Who am I?

Who am I?

My name is Phyllis Anita Shaw Wiggins. Each one of these names has a story to tell, but I’m not my name.

I have seven wonderful children. Raising them and creating a loving home has been the main focus of my life, but I’m more than just a mother.

Grandma is something that I am called, but is that who I am?

I’ve loved my husband since I was 14, I married him at 21, and we have been happily married for 33 years, but wife is just one way to describe me.

Teacher, student, learner, quilter, cook, gardener, skier, singer, Cub Scout leader, horseback rider, reader - any one of these words can be used to describe me and what I love.

I love to philosophize and I can talk to anyone about anything for as long as they will engage in conversation. Who does that make me?

Sometimes I get frustrated and yell, curse, fight, and cry, but I don’t consider myself evil.

Secretly, I am a mystic, healer, visionary and teacher. This is who I want to say that I am, but I’ve been too scared to claim it.

So, who am I?

I am a 53-year-old woman who loves people, nature, adventure, learning and God. I do good things and I make mistakes. I struggle with perfectionism and believing in myself. Essentially, I am a beautiful child of God who is dedicated to making my truth about me harmonious with God’s truth about me.

Yard Stick

Today I am going back to school with my all of my homework prepared. This may not seem significant, but to me it is a liberating miracle. Let me explain.
My school is set up to attend class one weekend a month. The teachers give us a handout telling us what our homework assignments are for the month. The reading and assigned papers are broken down by weeks for the first 6 months. This gave me an idea of how I needed prepare for the next month. On the 7th month, I was able to break it down for myself. Having been shown how to break the work down, I was able to do it myself when I needed to. This is the first time in my life that I was able to prepare without being overwhelmed and cramming at the last minute.
In the past, I used comparing myself to other people as the yardstick to see how I was doing. This way of measuring myself has caused me much pain and suffering. I created a hurtful habit that has left me feeling inadequate and worthless many times. What I learned from this experience is that when I have a well thought out, realistic plan that I write down; I can use the paper to tell me how I am doing. I know where I need to focus and I can leave judging others and myself up to God. That’s true freedom!

10/10/10

A few days ago I wrote this, but I couldn't post it because my blog was down. Jamie helped me get it back and running so here is my post:
Yesterday I got a text that said: “Today is a great day to start getting yourself positive for the 10/10/10 day coming up. Whatever you focus on that day- you get more!”
When I received this text it made me smile because I wasn’t even aware that there was a 10/10/10 coming. I would have hated missing out on living through something that exciting. It also saw a great opportunity to practice the habit of being positive. If I practice for 2 days, I will be prepared to be positive for a whole day, and the pay off will be big! What if I made this a habit everyday. I wonder if whatever I focus on I get back 10 fold could be true every day and I don’t need these magic numbers to make it happen. I can use these three “10’s” to remind me that it is happening all of the time – 24/7 – TEN FOLD! What would that be like?...

a) Every time I see someone living out their dream,and I feel jealous... I am reminded that I too have been blessed with dreams that I am living right now, and many more that are being created and beginning to manifest.
b) When have to drive carpool again... I am reminded how blessed I am to share this moment in time and space as a mother, with awesome kids.
c) When I don’t have the money that I need to buy what I want right now... I am reminded of the wonderful blessing of “things” that I do have right now.
d) When my husband is too busy or gone... I am reminded of how blessed I am to have a husband who is so willingly provides for me and is a man of stellar character & service.
e) When I’m at my wits ends with anxiety, frustration, lack of inspiration, fighting, low self-esteem, etc… I am reminded that my Heavenly Father understands and wants to hear all about it. He will give me comfort, guidance, inspiration and a listening ear.
f) Whenever I feel fat and ugly, I am reminded of the wonderful blessing that my body is and how well it has, and continues to serve me. I am also reminded that the way that I am looking at it may not be true.
I honestly do love being alive when a magical number like this crosses the calendar. I also love being reminded of the wonderful life that I enjoy simply by focusing on the positive part of my life.