Saturday, January 22, 2011

Yin and Yang

This is an old post that I have revised.

The question What does the feminine and masculine energy mean to you? was posed to me. After pondering this question for a few days, I came up with an answer.

Recently I completed my job as a preschool teacher. The thoughts and feelings that have been surfacing since I took this action are densely packed in fear. This fear that I am experiencing is not new to me. It is a fear of not knowing what to do next. It is a fear of being lonely and bored. The busyness of my job has helped to keep this monster at bay. I awoke this morning panicked, consumed by this fear. I decided to address it with some free-form writing. It didn't take long before a voice emerged repeating the words, I don't want to. In the past, I have either listened to this voice and responded with procrastination, or silenced this voice by forcing myself to do what I had to do. This method of dealing with a part of me that doesn't want to has led me to negative self-judgment, jealously, despondency, depression, and pain. Today I wrote I don't want to over and over. I was tempted to move in and ask myself, Why, what caused this? Don't feel this way. However, I didn't. Instead, I responded with I hear you. It felt good to express what I had to say, and let it be. There was no need to judge, squelch, or fix.

The point of all of this is . . .

Feminine energy is acceptance, understanding, love and nurturing. It says: I love you just the way you are. I can see that you are hurt and suffering. Whatever you do is acceptable to me. It can be a nasty world out there. The feminine alone creates self-pity and despair, bringing understanding with no action. Masculine energy is judgment, action, and improvement. It says: You can do better than that. Don’t let your feelings stop you. You’re up to the task. If you want different results, you have to approach the problem differently. The masculine alone creates self-righteousness and force, calling for action without understanding.

I believe that bringing the understanding and love of the feminine energy to a person or situation is healing and comforting, sending messages such as I love you; I’m sorry that you’re hurt; You don’t have to go through this alone. It lays a foundation and creates an opening for the action and judgment of masculine energy to come in. The message the masculine energy brings is You have choice; How do you want to deal with this? What would support you to move forward? What do you need? What action can you take?

Listening to both the feminine and masculine sides of myself as I deal with an issue provides perfect balance and creates forward movement and growth.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I miss Jefferson

This Christmas all of my children were here except Jefferson. He is on his mission in Brazil. Jeff didn't get to be here, but we did get to talk to him. The following is something that I wrote about him the day he left for his mission.

I don't know what I think of motherhood. Sure it's wonderful - all of the cute things that they say and do. All of the fun things that I get to say and do because I have them. But what about the other part? What about all of the poopy diapers and talking back? Well, I guess I knew that that was a part of it too. The part that I'm having a tough time with is the broken heart that comes when one of my kids leave. Growing up and separating is natural and part of life, but it sure can hurt. Jefferson left for his mission in Brazil this week. I'm proud of him and I'm glad that he is going, but I'm really not enjoying feeling like my insides just got ripped out. If missing out on knowing him meant that I wouldn’t have to experience pain, I would definitely choose knowing him. But, if I had it my way, I’d skip the pain.