The New Story of My Life

Finally! Finally, I have permission to step out of my old story.

My Old Story:

A story of a little girl who was needy,

Born to a family who needed someone to need.

A little girl laden with life’s challenges early,

Before she understood the difference between challenges and life.

A little girl who thought she needed others to think for her.

A beautiful little girl.

A beautiful family.

A beautiful story.

A Story …

It is time and the opportunity is here

For me to write a new story.

My New Story:

A story of a strong, competent, free woman,

Living in a world that needed her light.

A woman accepting life’s challenges late,

After she understood there was no difference between living life and hunting treasure.

A woman who loved her ideas, and loved thinking them.

A beautiful woman.

A beautiful life.

A beautiful story.

A Story . . .

The truth of either of these stories

Lies in the seeker looking for the story.

The pen that writes them and interprets them

Is the pen that spins them.

The truest part of both of these stories

Is that I’m the one who holds the pen

And the one who creates the vision.

Growth is a Process - Not an Event

For the last year and a half, I have focused much of my energy towards getting my master’s degree. I have been reading, writing, meditating, tracking, rating, dancing, volunteering, nurturing, talking, speaking, healing, observing, meeting, soul gazing, laughing, crying, releasing, quivering, reframing, and forgiving. This process has required a huge commitment physically as well as emotionally. I see the payoff of this work in how I relate to myself and with the world.

The basis of my work at University of Santa Monica is identifying misinterpretations of reality and resolving issues. I have released negative energy associated with events or memories from my past. I have been digging deep into my subconscious mind looking for hurt and misunderstandings that I can bring forward and bathe in loving, healing energy. When issues I have stumbled over for years resurface, I rejoice thinking that I have found the Holy Grail. However, as I go forward in my life, I find myself not quite as free as I had hoped. One of the principles I have learn at school is that growth is a process – not an event.  

This reminds me of an experience that I had last week.

I was up on the hill in my yard looking at the fruit trees we planted ten years ago. Upon close examination, I found that a bore had gotten into one tree and destroyed it. To protect the surrounding trees, I decided to dig out the infested one. I began digging. It took a lot of effort and many tools. It was hard to find the roots and hard to cut the roots from the ground. I was left with a few scrapes as battle scars from my hard work. It took me a few days of cutting, digging, and removing the unnecessary debris. But my efforts paid off and the tree was finally out – or so I thought. The tree was too heavy to lift out of the hole, so I asked my husband to help. When he tried to get it out, he found two major roots that hadn’t been completely severed. Once they were located, it was easy to clip them loose. The tree was completely free from the ground ready to be removed.

Digging out a dysfunctional tree is much like digging out a dysfunctional belief. In both cases, it takes a lot of time, tools, and energy to uncover, sever and dislodge what is keeping them in place. After a lot of effort, it may seem as if the job is complete, but there may still be more work to do. If you stick with it, no matter what, you remove both of them and replace them with something new and beautiful.

Now that my tree is out and cut into smaller pieces, ready to be burned, it really is quite small and takes up relatively little space.

Balance

I just filled my car up at the cheapest gas station that I could find. I paid $3.89 a gallon and filled my tank for $70.00. This has the potential of sending my mind crazy with fear and despair for the future. The money, health care and political fighting are spinning out of control in this country. There is unrest and upheaval overseas. Looking through these eyes is very discouraging and I feel desperate.

I also just listened to several talks on TED.com. What I heard there were bright minds with innovative ideas and solutions to the challenges before them. I heard people talking of educating children in a way that honers their natural genius and abilities. I heard ideas and trends of people coming together and sharing goods and information.

As much fear and anxiety as my $70.00 gas tank can tap into is lessened and can be almost completely eliminated by the hope and excitement that I experience when I hear the ideas and plans that are out there for our collective future. It's a great time to be alive. I feel like I am a part of a change in humanity and lifestyle that will have an impact as big as the invention of the car and the airplane. I can't wait to hear the stories that I tell my grandchildren and great grandchildren.

My life has been so full the past two weeks.
First of all, I went down to Jana’s house where she cut my hair, we went for a walk on the beach, I played with Jay, and I enjoyed being with her and Wes.





 Just a few days later, I flew to Utah where Annalisa and Ellie came to the airport to pick me up. They were in Utah for the weekend and they stayed an extra day so that we could see each other.
 
 They took me to Jamie’s house where Shawn, Kari & Phoebe were waiting along with Jamie’s family to introduce me to Chase Dixon Dana, just a few days old.

I am staying at Jamie and Ben’s house to help them with this new addition as well as with Katelyn and Collin. So here I am, holding a brand new baby, dancing in my twirly skirt with Katelyn & Collin, and watching this amazing family in action.
Then Brad and Sam drove up to see this new little one and everybody else. So I got to enjoy all of this with them too.


Just when I thought it I had about hit my maximum level of pride, we went to Phoebe Jane’s first birthday party (where I finally got to see Andrew). Kari did an amazing job on throwing a magnificent fairy party complete with eating gourmet food and cupcakes, painting fairy wands, coloring fairy shrinkie-dinks and going on a treasure hunt. The eight or so guests as well as the birthday girl were all dressed in fairy dresses. Everything about the party was extraordinary, right down to cleaning up the kitchen afterward with Kari’s lovely mother Wendy.
And then . . . that night Andrew brought Margo and they joined all of us for dinner. I always love being around that girl, and I love seeing and listening to Andrew and his way of seeing the world.

I have a family that I love and that loves each other. I have children-in-law that accept and welcome me into their lives and their homes. The only members of my family that I haven’t seen in the last week and a half are Brady, who is finishing up his Ph.D. and couldn’t get away, and Jeff, who is on a mission in Brazil serving the Lord and his fellow man. Even though I haven't been able to see them I am happy to know they are doing good things with their time.
Life just doesn’t get better than this!

Valentines Limericks

Here are some Limericks that I wrote for my Class
Happy Valentines Day!

O’Leary’s Gifts
There once was a man named O’Leary
On Valentine’s Day, he was weary.
His wife wanted more
So he went to the store
And got gifts that made her eyes teary.


Valentine’s Day Disconnect
Valentine’s Day comes just once a year
Girls in the land all begin to cheer
The men start to sweat,
They’ve never been right yet
They’d rather just go out and get a beer.


Unlearned Lesson
Poor Tom spent the night in the doghouse.
The gifts that he gave made him such a louse.
If he’d bought his wife jewels
Instead of more tools,
Her affection on him she would gladly douse.

My Story

Last night I went to Toastmasters. I liked it. I had a good feeling there. I liked the people and I liked what they had to say. In Toastmasters, when you give your first talk, or “icebreaker,” you introduce yourself and tell your story. Last night two women gave their icebreaker talks. I loved listening to their stories!
The first woman, Andrea, was very polished and had a well-organized and interesting talk. She told about where she came from and how she got to where she is now. I could relate to four or five things that said and I wanted to talk to her. Her confident yet humble style was very engaging.
A woman named Tara gave the second “icebreaker.” She was absolutely gorgeous. Her tall thin body, her lovely hair and her kind beautiful face gave me a sense of security, groundedness, confidence, and purpose. Her speech was about pivotal moments in her life. She was obviously nervous, clinging to her notes (which she didn’t use), and speaking with a slight quiver in her voice. She shared her heart. She told how her parent’s divorce had shaken her world and left her insecure and thinking poorly of herself. She also shared how God was directing her toward her purpose and helping her get back on track. I admired her for breaking through her insecurities by being vulnerable – sharing her heart in front of a room full of people. After she spoke, the message in my heart for her was;
“You are so beautiful. You have so much to give and you’re giving it! I can’t wait for you see in you what I see in you.”
If I enjoyed listening to these women so much, why do I have such resistance to sharing my own story? I feel a strong sense of embarrassment and shame around telling it. My story is a story of a little girl who believed that she had no talents and that she was flawed in a way that put her at a distinct disadvantage to her peers. This disadvantage made her know that if she did not have help from those around her, she would be left behind and alone. Then one day, she was shown that this story was made up from the perspective of a young child. She now had a choice to continue believing it as she always had or update it and see it through adult eyes. Seeing this choice was both the good news and the bad news, because leaving her story behind would upset everything in her world.
That’s my story.
Isn’t that the story of every person on this planet? Aren’t we all living out the same story with different details, at different stages? Why then, if this is the Universal Story, do I feel so separate and alone in it? Maybe part of the aloneness comes from hiding my story and thinking that I am the only one that has experienced it. Last week I shared part of my story with my creative writing class. I was embarrassed to show my writing. I was hesitant to bore them with all of the details of my experience. The reaction I got from them was very different from what I was expecting. They liked it. They related to it. They asked for more. That was exactly the way I felt after listening to Andrea and Tara at Toastmasters last night.
Is God big enough to heal my heart and allow enough acceptance and love to shine on what I have to say? Will I allow my story to thaw and then tell it? Is the desire to share, heal and speak my truth bigger then the insecurity and doubt that has run through my veins for most of my life? I guess the only way to find out is to put it to the test. So, I will write my story and share it with my creative writing class and on my blog. I will continue to go to Toastmasters, and I will give my “icebreaker.” The only way I know to find out the truth about God and the truth about me is to put it to the test.

Yin and Yang

This is an old post that I have revised.

The question What does the feminine and masculine energy mean to you? was posed to me. After pondering this question for a few days, I came up with an answer.

Recently I completed my job as a preschool teacher. The thoughts and feelings that have been surfacing since I took this action are densely packed in fear. This fear that I am experiencing is not new to me. It is a fear of not knowing what to do next. It is a fear of being lonely and bored. The busyness of my job has helped to keep this monster at bay. I awoke this morning panicked, consumed by this fear. I decided to address it with some free-form writing. It didn't take long before a voice emerged repeating the words, I don't want to. In the past, I have either listened to this voice and responded with procrastination, or silenced this voice by forcing myself to do what I had to do. This method of dealing with a part of me that doesn't want to has led me to negative self-judgment, jealously, despondency, depression, and pain. Today I wrote I don't want to over and over. I was tempted to move in and ask myself, Why, what caused this? Don't feel this way. However, I didn't. Instead, I responded with I hear you. It felt good to express what I had to say, and let it be. There was no need to judge, squelch, or fix.

The point of all of this is . . .

Feminine energy is acceptance, understanding, love and nurturing. It says: I love you just the way you are. I can see that you are hurt and suffering. Whatever you do is acceptable to me. It can be a nasty world out there. The feminine alone creates self-pity and despair, bringing understanding with no action. Masculine energy is judgment, action, and improvement. It says: You can do better than that. Don’t let your feelings stop you. You’re up to the task. If you want different results, you have to approach the problem differently. The masculine alone creates self-righteousness and force, calling for action without understanding.

I believe that bringing the understanding and love of the feminine energy to a person or situation is healing and comforting, sending messages such as I love you; I’m sorry that you’re hurt; You don’t have to go through this alone. It lays a foundation and creates an opening for the action and judgment of masculine energy to come in. The message the masculine energy brings is You have choice; How do you want to deal with this? What would support you to move forward? What do you need? What action can you take?

Listening to both the feminine and masculine sides of myself as I deal with an issue provides perfect balance and creates forward movement and growth.